..and it’s not that asshole who’s knee is always open for some pedophile butt crack touching.
…
It’s winter. I hate winter, and I hate people that don’t experience winter - like Alaskans, or something.. Winter means pain. I don’t like pain. Who likes pain should fuck some people with sexually transmitting diseases.. like headaches or migraines (it rimed, I know - it would make a hell-of-a Christmas song).
The only thing good about winter, is Christmas. Although I never get presents from him, I still keep my faith in Santa Claus.
…
If you admit that your parents suck, then you’ll understand the pure fact that mister Claus is actually alive, always on duty like a restless whore, ready to bring your Christmas fetishes alive.
Your parents suck because they never know how, or what to buy you for Christmas. That’s unless you tell them, which is like buying it yourself, making them look useless. And being useless is even worse, they don’t even blow no more. So who gives them help every - fucking - year? Santa Claus.
OK! This might seem shocking coming from a guy like me. Let’s assume that Santa doesn’t exist:
If he wouldn’t exist, I’m sorry to break it to you: your parents would still suck. Think about it this way: no matter how much money they make, they still can’t face the fact that it is possible for you to NOT like the shit they bought. So what do they do? They create a 2007 years old guy, that travels around the world on a sleigh, delivers the desired gifts to everyone, IN ONLY ONE NIGHT. Yeah, isn’t that a mature and responsible thing to say to your kids, so you can hide the fact that you’re NOT THERE FOR THEM?
To fuck the world-wide parents image, there is another kind of parents that just tell the kid straight: there’s no Santa C.. Another “bravo!” for ruining that kid’s dreams, you fuckin’ assholes.
Each way, your parents suck. There are only two parents in the entire world who DON’T suck: mine.
So we’ll go my way - Santa Claus exists.
…
Santa Clause doesn’t have a list of kids that have done good or bad, throughout the year. He knows who kicks balls and who doesn’t, and Chuck Norris is banned from that list.
As you know Santa Claus, by default kicks both Phileas Fogg and Jules Verne’s balls, by going around the world in 1 night, not in 80 days, as that incompetent fucker said it’s possible. It also makes a mockery out of FedEx workers by watching them bust their asses, hurrying to get on time.
BUT!, Santa Claus should improve his work, and try to stay up-to-date with the technology.
First of all, Santa you should stop posing with that commercialized sleigh you’re riding every year. Get a car. I don’t mean a pimped out Santa mobile, just a simple car: a Dacia, maybe. Global warming is coming, you won’t have shit to slide on, and don’t tell me you fly with that thing, holding almost all the presents in the world. You slide. You invented that story about the “flying-sled”, that you got there, just to keep everyone’s eyes occupied, like idiots, focusing on the sky. And if they don’t stare at the sky, while you’re in the back arranging those gifts, they sleep. I know why you’re trying to seem all mysterious, but I’m telling you man…it’s not working. People have seen you. Just google your name, see if you get any results, if you know what I’m saying.
Get some T-Shirts ’cause one day you’ll catch fire in that synthetic costume you’re in, while going down a chimney. Some people light fires on Christmas nights, it’s freezing hot lesbian sisters making out, out there.
Get rid of the elves. We’re living the era of immigrant Mexican slaves, don’t you think you should do something about it?
Oh and by the way, I’ll paste my letter here, so you don’t have to make an extra effort, ’cause I know you’ve been busy.
Dear Santa Claus,
Bring me the last fuckin’ 16 presents you didn’t bring,
PLUS AN XBOX360.
Yours faithfully,
Valeriu Cuc
*de asemenea publicat şi pe theHead.